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You ever feel a crap coming that makes you think, “maybe I should stretch first?”

Last night I ordered a pizza and the delivery guy told me the most amazing joke. Well, the joke was alright, but the delivery was pretty good.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

Remember on Sunday to set your clocks back one hour, and then on Tuesday to not set the country back 50 years.

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.